Are We Afraid of Our Kids?

Some time ago I received an email with this subject line: "Confronting the Fear of Losing our Kids." It got me thinking..

Often when I talk to the parents of teens their descriptions of their problems and their explanations for what they are doing include these words: "I'm afraid. . . ."

It goes like this:
Mom and/or dad says I know what my child is doing is wrong, or I know that she should be doing this, but I'm afraid that if I make an issue of it, I'll lose her.
I don't know for sure, but I'm fairly sure I saw an example of it at a restaurant a while back. My wife and I met a group of friends for a meal out. It was the night of a big dance at a local school. The restaurant was full of young people having a nice meal before the event. The guys' dress drew notice because so many of them looked utterly out of their element wearing a necktie. A number of the young ladies drew attention because of what they didn't have on. After one young lady walked by, whose outfit was best described with words like, "short," "low," "tight," and "skimpy," I told my friend--a father of teen boys and one who works with young people--"We need to pray for her date."
As the saying goes, "I'd be willing to bet dollars to donuts, that some of the parents of those high-schoolers had serious misgivings about the attire of their daughters. I'd bet more bucks to pastries that in more than one home the "I'm afraid" line was uttered.

The syndrome is equally true with guys, though the crises are often different.
Do parents ever "lose" their kids over a confrontation? Yes, they do. Sometimes when we do what is right others respond wrongly. Often there are a bunch of contributing factors, too many for this piece. Those of you who are parents of youngsters well younger than teens need to not be unconcerned. Too frequently, parents train children to believe they are royalty, never saying no, or denying the little sovereigns their will. Then after 14 years of this training the parents "rebel" and change the rules. For the first time in his/her life the little prince or princess hears the words "You can't." Yes, sometimes they lose their teen, but the loss started twelve years ago, and if the indulgence continues the child would be lost in another way..

Make Sally eat her green beans. Don't allow little Bobby to live in squalor that would cause a hyena to upchuck. Begin early to teach the valuable lesson that sometimes we have to do hard things, that we don't always get our way, that frequently doing right will force us to be different from those around us. About thirty-four years ago Kathy and I had a tag-team marathon with our eldest over a fish-stick, one of his favorite foods. That day he said he wouldn't eat it. We said he would. We had to gang up on him, but we won. Thirty-four years later I'm incredibly glad we did!

Parents, in your home there are grown-ups, and those who don't yet know the ways of life. God has put the grown-ups in charge. If you abdicate that responsibility you are very likely to lose your child. Sometimes the loss of a child is a sudden occurrence, over which the parent has little control. Still, even when kids check out in a purely unilateral way, it is important for parents to do what is right.


It's STTA.

[An addendum for those who may have lost their kids, or who realize that they have set a pattern of never saying "no." but who need to begin.
It is tough, my heart is with you, I will be glad to pray with you. Know that you won't get a good result by continuing a bad practice. Be as reasonable as you can. Someone is liable to stomp and yell, make sure it isn't you. For those who have set a bad pattern, begin with confession. "Son/daughter, I have done something terrible to you. . . ." Be kind but firm.
Teens are in that realm bridging childhood and the adult world. Sometimes they make wrong adult-level choices. Try not to burn all the bridges. Continue to be the voice of reason and what-is-right. Model that kind of life. Reach out when you can. It may not be your fault. It never is totally your fault. Assigning blame is only important if it leads to corrective action. More important is winning back someone you and God love immensely. My prayers are with you.]