Pearls, Hogs, & A Locker Room--A Valuable Lesson

Why would You Cast Those Pearls Before Those Hogs?

I'm teaching a Marriage and Family class at Pacific Islands University.  Part of what we are working on is getting started well--mate selection.  I've been spending a great deal of time with my past. I'm using the story of how Kathy and I got together as a discussion starter for the class.  I was reminded of an incident that happened to me fairly early in our relationship, while we were still in high school. I was on the wrestling team at Bremen High School, so in the winter the end of my school day was spent in a locker room showering and getting ready to go home.  I don't remember how the subject came up, but I began to talk to some of my fellow wrestlers about Kathy.  She was a favorite subject of of conversation.  My friends on the team weren't particularly bad guys, just average American boys.  Soon, however, I became concerned about the conversation.  Anything, and I meananything, I said about Kathy was instantly distorted and turned into something dirty. Did I love Kathy at the time?  We'll save that argument for another day.  While my feelings for her and more importantly my commitment to her and to God concerning her, had not yet matured, I did cherish her.  I knew beyond any shadow of a doubt that I didn't want to do anything that would cause her name to be associated with the kind of conversation that I heard coming from my friend's lips or saw in the smirks on their faces.  I decided that I would never talk of Kathy again in that context.  As far as I remember, I never did, again. That locker room commitment was the first of many.  Jesus tells of His goal for His bride in Ephesians 5:26-27.  He wants to "sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless." Guys, we are to follow that example.  We are to not only protect our wives, but cherish them, and keep  their name from being sullied.  I  learned that when I was still practicing.  Now, almost fifty years later, I see way to many guys who failed to learn that lesson.  They have never grown past the mentality of my foul-mouthed, leering high-school comrades. Hogs don't know how to deal with pearls. It's STTA.

The Cost of Love

Something To Think About The Cost of Love:

(Warning:  Grandpa bragging:) In case you haven't figured out, most of the time the picture at the top of STTA is of one, or more, of my grandkids.  The picture today is of the oldest of that youngest generation of Merrells.  Christopher is a musician, and like many artists he brings a passion to life that is refreshing and challenging.  He loves the Lord, and cares deeply about others.  He recently wrote, I think the hardest part of my job is not the work itself but working with guys for 6 months or so, building a friendship with them then watching them leave only to do the same thing all over again with a new guy. . . . always watching people come and go. Christopher is a thinker.  He has observed and figured out something that I didn't grasp until I was a good bit older than him.  You can't love for free.  Love always involves an investment.  The rewards of love are often such that we don't notice that.  Having a good friend, and enjoying those around us is enjoyable, but we live in a world where people move away, move on, and go in directions that break our hearts. Chris, as his friends know him, works in an industry that is populated by short-termers.  He has been in the company for several years, most of his coworkers stay with a job no longer than a few months.  As is often the case with this kind of short-term, somewhat seasonal employment, those who work at the trade are hardly pillars of the community.  Young as he is, Christopher is often the the most mature, by far, man on the job.  He considers himself a missionary.  He wants to make a difference in the lives of those around him. . . .make the most of your time with people. Even the ones that get on your last nerve. . .  Love people through their mess. . . .   That kind of love is costly.  People will disappoint you, even hurt you.  Those in whose life you make a difference will likely go on to other places--places out of your orb.  They tend to make this move just about the time that they get healthy enough that they could give you some return on your investment.  It hurts to see them go.  After getting burned a few times the tendency is to wrap yourself in insulation.  Just do your job.  If you get too involved it will lead to pain.  Christopher reminds us to love them anyhow.  The model of love that we need to keep in mind is that of our Lord Jesus Christ.    “Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13, NASB95)   There are people all around you today.  Some of them are the kind of folk it will take effort to love.  Love them anyway. Thanks Christopher for giving Papa, and I hope some others, Something to Think About.

Pain--Body & Relationships:

Something To Think About, Problems:

An old navy saying goes something like, If you aren't leaving a wake behind you then you aren't underway.  A while back I preached a couple of messages on a controversial matter.  At the end of my presentations I observed that some folk, from both the right and the left, were upset.  A friend wisely observed, "You probably got it about right."  I sure hope so. Many of us have an automatic response that kicks in any time trouble, or relationship problems are on the horizon--avoid it, makeit go away, get rid of it as soon as possible. Trouble in relationships, misunderstandings, etc. though, can be like pain in our body.  Have you noticed that frequently when you have an injury the people who first see you don't give you anything to kill the pain?  I'm sure there are a number of reasons for that--reasons that I, not being a medical professional, don't understand--but I have heard one reason is the pain is an essential indicator of the problem.  When the examining physician shows up he/she will ask, "Where does it hurt?" Sometimes the physician will even probe with her/his hands and ask, "Does this hurt?"  They will ply the suffering patients like, "On a scale of 1 to 10 how would you rate this pain.?"  "Is it a sharp pain, a burning pain, or an ache?"  I have vivid memories of one such exam though it was decades ago.  I still remember my gasping, wincing reply, "YES!"  in response to the Dr. pressing a place on my shoulder and asking, "Does it hurt here?" In both physical maladies and relational issues before one just makes the pain go away, he should ascertain what its cause is.  Broken bones and relationships hurt.  They should hurt.  Asking and answering the "Why?" question can add to the pain, at least for a time, but it can be a necessary part of the diagnostic process.  Just walking away from a painful relationship may prevent one from an opportunity to learn, grow, and come out on the other side a better person. It's Something To Think About.

Got Your Pocketknife, #2

A pocket knife isn't the best tool for cutting a miter on a piece of trim, or skinning an electrical wire, or trimming your nails, but it is a tool that will work, and if you are among the group of men that Ispoke of yesterday you have one with you, and you are reasonably adept at using it.  You'll manage to git-r-done.

In counselling people in regard to relationships I find a principle that is pocket-knife-ish.  It applies across a broad spectrum of issues and it is accessible to amateurs--no "lay down on the couch," or six months of therapy.  

Take a piece of paper, draw a line down the middle so you have two columns.  Make one side yours and the other whoever-else-is-involved-in-your-situation's.   

Let me illustrate the little tool with a rather innocuous, totally lopsided illustration.Every morning on my way to work I stop at Annie's coffee for a cup of java. As Annie hands me my morning fix she levels a look at me that ought to be reserved for the reincarnation of Adolph Hitler.  (Work with me here. Assume there is good reason to continue to buy coffee at this establishment with the frosty service.)

On one side of my sheet I list all the things Annie should do:  

• Attend Dale Carnegie class
• Look in the mirror
• Be thankful for my business
• etc, etc.

All true, but all, also, totally beyond my control.

The problem is totally the fault of the surly business woman, right?  My friend looking for help, is really helpless, isn't he?  Well, maybe, but let's not admit impotence until we have to.  Think about it.  Let me get the "My side" list started.  

• Upon entering the store greet Annie with a smile and pleasant greeting.

You are a skeptic aren't you?  You say, "That won't make any difference."  Maybe not, but then again, maybe it will.  And, there are likely other things "I" can do for the "my side" list.  One thing is for sure, if the only thing I do is gripe and complain about what is not being done on the other side of the page then all I have done is become a victim.  The problem with being a victim is they get victimized--all the time!  An even greater problem is acting the victim is not in line with the Bible, God's manual for getting along in life.  A summary of JesusGolden Rule, that may have learned as a child, goes like this:  

Do unto others 

as you would have them do unto you.

That places me not in the role of victim, but initiator.  There is something I can and should do.

I figure I was about four when my dad gave me that Davy Crockett pocket knife that wouldn't cut butter.  He wanted to instill a habit--carry a knife in your pocket and you'll be equipped for a lot of things.  There may be a better tool for the task, but it's at home in the shop.  With the knife you can very often make do.  You won't be helpless.  I offer the line down the paper tool for the same reason.  Quite likely there are more sophisticated therapies for your problem, but sometimes, quite frequently actually, you may find that this will do.  On other occasions it'll help you get by until (and these cases don't get stuck in the "until") you can fix it right.  

Don't be helpless.

It's Something to Think About. (http://sttaspots.blogspot.com/ 

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 (This little essay was actually where I started with yesterday's STTA.  Sometimes when you start whittling you don't know exactly what you'll end up with.)